In my formative years many things shaped my path forward in life. Where I came from, who I came from, What I learned, and How I survived. There are so many things that made me, but not every virtue or characteristics that I needed to get where I am still serves me in growing into my own integrity. Who I truly am at my own essence, and now that I am strong enough to claim my self for me. The only path for me will be made with intentionally steps.
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I was raised in rural America, Burlington Maine; we had a general store and the community was governed by those who went to church each Sunday, there were less than 500 people in my hometown while I was growing up and my mother knew all of them. In fact, she always jokes that she married the only person in town she wasn't related to. My home was more than a 20 minute drive to school or the local Walmart. Both on opposite ends of the diameter that my very small world circumference. It really was just a bunch of small town people trying their very best to make a life and a legacy all their own. The pinnacle of which would be to have your descendants have a “better life” than they had lead.
While the, "I just want a better life for my kids" virtue is all well and good… who get’s to pick the measuring stick for “better life” and who get’s to pick how much or what we are willing to pay for said “better life”. I know what I paid to get my better life. I know what I sacrificed, what I shoved down, what I buried. But I didn’t pick these things for myself and I didn’t set the path.
Recently I have found myself in a life and a world I don’t rightly understand. And to be quite blunt, I don’t want to fit into the circles I’ve so masterfully painted myself into. Through this self reflection I hope to charter a journey of empowerment. I hope to continue to walk back the cat on so many way’s that culture gets in the way of authenticity. But most genuinely, I want to be free.
As we all know, freedom comes at a price. I feel that this concept of freedom, especially as an American, is totally skewed. I did everything SO correct. The "better life" virtue could not have been more clear, and I have all the things and relationships that a person is suppose to have and want from this life. I have effectively caught the dream. So why am I not abundantly satisfied? College educated, oldest sibling, going on ten years married to a wonderful man, a career to be proud of and our son who lights up my world. This is the "better life".... but I'm also thirty something waking up feeling unfulfilled.
The Recipe to Survive the World
- Be a good example
- Don't bring shame
- Find a way to stand out
- You better go to college
- Find a nice white guy
- Build a career you can die into
- Have kids
- Be a good consumer
- Die with what you know
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